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Weight Loss Forum / Low Carb / January 2004Mind if I vent?
Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! Im a pretty confident person. I have good self esteem, Im outgoing and positive and rarely let anything anyone says hurt my feelings (although Im not faced with hurtful comments very often). But yesterday something happened that brought up a whole gamut of feelings that took me by surprise. My best friend (a guy) and I had lunch, and we got to talking about my weightloss program and how good Im feeling about it. God knows what possessed him, but he decided to tell me about a recent comment made by a friend of his who hadn't seen me in a long time. The comment was "I heard that Caitlin ate Lisa". Confused? Lisa is another friend of ours who has lost weight recently - apparently I've put it on the weight she lost. Understand now? My reaction to this comment really took me by surprise. My initial thoughts were "Why do I even bother losing weight? Why should I have to lose weight at all? Because this person thinks Im fat? I don't need his approval. How dare he! I should just stay fat." It was the first time the words "give up" have crossed my mind. Next came bitter resolve: "Im going to lose so much weight you won't recognise me!" Gee that healthy - lets lose weight out of spite! That will really work wont it? So ridiculous. <rolls eyes> Finally, I felt a bit angry at my best friend for telling me about this comment. I've asked him not to tell me about comments like this as they do not help. It just made me think - jeez - what other judgmental things have people said behind my back? This has put a bit of a dent in my confidence and Im so MAD about it! I've been feeling so good! I can't believe that I've let this comment, from someone I hardly know, affect me so much! I think I've snapped out of it a bit. I really don't care what this person thinks of me, and Im not losing weight for him, or for anyone else. Im losing weight for me - and that's the only motivation that will work. Perhaps having such supportive family and close friends has sheltered me from the cruelness of the real world. It doesn't matter - aint nothin' gonna break my stride, It's just funny that this kind of thing comes up now, when Im finally starting to lose the weight! Thanks for listening, I'd love to hear about some other experiences. PS In retrospect I actually think the comment was kinda amusing - cleverly put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good way to deal with it.  SignatureCaityH kgs: 114.7/109.7/70 lbs: 252.8/241.8/154.3 LC since 16th October 2003 > Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > another friend of ours who has lost weight recently - apparently > I've put it on the weight she lost. Understand now? ....snip > PS In retrospect I actually think the comment was kinda amusing - > cleverly put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good > way to deal with it. I'd say you're just moving through the stages to acceptance of the fact that there are people out there that will say things like that. I've had experience with people thinking they're telling me something that will make me feel better, but don't. This is obviously not one of those things, but it still boggles the mind to think of the kinds of things people say and then that other people feel the need to REPEAT them. My experience was when I joined the swim team in my junior year in high school. I was 5'3" and 215 lbs. But I was a fast swimmer. I did it because I absolutely love swimming and I knew the structure would help me stick with it. Anyway, my best friend told me a week into practice that another girl had told her that she admired my guts in having the courage to actually show up in a bathing suit and join the team. Now, to be fair, the girl was one of the sweetest in the world, and she would have really meant that she admired me. My first thought, however, was "How dare she say that." My next thought was "Why would my BEST friend tell me this?" Even with the best intentions people can say such hurtful things. I almost didn't go back. I kept thinking about how I must look for people to say things like that. But I wasn't there for them in the first place. I was there for me. I went back for me. Don't let them get to you. Don't worry about what other people are saying or thinking. It doesn't matter. All that matters is how you feel about yourself. And don't do anything for them. Do this for yourself. And GOOD LUCK. AManda > ....snip > > [quoted text clipped - 31 lines] > > AManda Thanks for sharing your story Amanda. People just dont seem to realise when they are being hurtful sometimes. And you're right - I'm doing this for me - and thats what matters. Have a great day! Except sometimes.Lots of times I think they are perfectly aware of what they're saying, but saying it through the old third person scenario saves them from looking like rude a**holes. My opinion is if it's not something you would say to the person because you know it would be hurtful, why would you repeat something hurtful that someone else said, if not to be hurtful? Keep up the good work, you're on your way, and good luck. :-) Cheri >Thanks for sharing your story Amanda. People just dont seem to realise when >they are being hurtful sometimes. And you're right - I'm doing this for me - >and thats what matters. >Have a great day! > Except sometimes.Lots of times I think they are perfectly aware of what > they're saying, but saying it through the old third person scenario [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Cheri Thanks Cheri. I dont think my friend was trying to hurt my feelings, he's a sweet guy. Im not sure why he said it - it kinda slipped out. I think I will ask him when I get a chance though. > >Thanks for sharing your story Amanda. People just dont seem to realise > when > >they are being hurtful sometimes. And you're right - I'm doing this for > me - > >and thats what matters. > >Have a great day! > This has put a bit of a dent in my confidence and Im so MAD about it! I've > been feeling so good! I can't believe that I've let this comment, from > someone I hardly know, affect me so much! I think I've snapped out of it a > bit. I really don't care what this person thinks of me, and Im not losing > weight for him, or for anyone else. Im losing weight for me - and that's the > only motivation that will work. Good for you to vent, think it through and move on. It IS odd that your friend felt the need to tell you this. Is HE overweight? It's amazing what people will say and it doesn't even occur to them how hurtful it can be. Jokes abound on TV shows. Does it not occur to any of the writers that with so many obese people in the US and elsewhere that they might lose viewers over it? It's not always from skinny people, either. My aunt's husband made nasty remarks about my mother being fat -- he weighed over 300 lbs and she weighed about 170. Just remember that YOU can and WILL lose weight, but HE'LL still be a jerk. SignatureSaffire 205/182/125 Atkins since 6/14/03 Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333 > > This has put a bit of a dent in my confidence and Im so MAD about it! I've > > been feeling so good! I can't believe that I've let this comment, from [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Just remember that YOU can and WILL lose weight, but HE'LL still be a jerk. Hi Saffire, I really dont know why my friend told me - he's not overweight now, but he used to be. He's usually so supportive and positive, I dont know why he did it. Im seeing him again today so perhaps I'll ask him. Im in Australia, and they've just started showing this American sitcom called "Less then Perfect" Does anyone know it? Well I havent seen the show so I dont know what its really like, but I refuse to watch it simply because of the way it is being marketed here. As soon as they said the show was full of "Size16 laughs" I thought - "great - a show with Fat Girl jokes - NOT what I need right now!" Thanks for your encouragement - I really appreciate having somewhere I can come and share my thoughts and chat about these issues. SignatureCaityH kgs: 114.7/109.7/70 lbs: 252.8/241.8/154.3 LC since 16th October 2003 > > Just remember that YOU can and WILL lose weight, but HE'LL still be a > jerk. > I really dont know why my friend told me - he's not overweight now, but he Just to be clear, I was referring to the guy who made the joke about you, not to your friend, who probably just didn't think it through before opening his mouth. > Im in Australia, and they've just started showing this American sitcom > called "Less then Perfect" Does anyone know it? Well I havent seen the show > so I dont know what its really like, but I refuse to watch it simply because > of the way it is being marketed here. As soon as they said the show was full > of "Size16 laughs" I thought - "great - a show with Fat Girl jokes - NOT > what I need right now!" That really IS *JUST* the marketing. I don't think I've heard ANY fat jokes on the show itself. It's a silly show and just so-so. I actually like the fact that the main character is not a skinny twig (although one of the snooty supporting characters is). Her friend on the show is nice and round, but she oozes sex and self-confidence. It sounds like your NETWORK and/or local station is the one guilty of thoughtless advertising. SignatureSaffire 205/182/125 Atkins since 6/14/03 Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333 > > > Just remember that YOU can and WILL lose weight, but HE'LL still be a > > jerk. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > Just to be clear, I was referring to the guy who made the joke about you, not to > your friend, who probably just didn't think it through before opening his mouth. Ahhh! Sorry, I misinterpreted your commnet! No the guy that made the comment is not overweight - and he thinks he is God's gift because he can string a few witty sentences together and make the "girls" giggle. I dont like arrogant men at all, especially when they take pleasure in putting others down to get a cheap laugh. > > Im in Australia, and they've just started showing this American sitcom > > called "Less then Perfect" Does anyone know it? Well I havent seen the show [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > oozes sex and self-confidence. It sounds like your NETWORK and/or local station > is the one guilty of thoughtless advertising. OK, perhaps I'll give it a chance then! Andy Dick is quite funny in other shows, and he's in this one, isnt he? Bye for now! SignatureCaityH kgs: 114.7/109.7/70 lbs: 252.8/241.8/154.3 LC since 16th October 2003 Actually, I think Less Than Perfect is delightful. The heroine is not really fat, but is curvy compared with the typical Hollywood bonebag. She starts out a bit lacking in confidence but succeeds at work by being her nice, sweet, helpful self. Two of her snotty coworkers are forever shooting themselves in the foot. | Hi Saffire, | I really dont know why my friend told me - he's not overweight now, [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] | lbs: 252.8/241.8/154.3 | LC since 16th October 2003 Perhaps it is the time of year, but the holidays can be the downfall of the best of programs, and (not coincidentally) there have been several posts recently about relatives or friends who have made comments or made us feel that our efforts at losing weight are futile. I'm blessed to work everyday with a population (incarcerated addicts and alcoholics) who have made me realize -- albeit in a somewhat different context -- that the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to forgive other people for being human. So many of us (and this is something we have in common with alcoholics and addicts) look at ourselves through other people's eyes. Other people, for whatever reasons, will say or do things which will allow us to sabotage our program. Most of us have in the past (and perhaps in the present) used such treatment to give ourselves excuses for dropping out or giving up. These people may do so without realizing the pain they are causing us, or they may have problems of their own which cause them to say or do hurtful things. Whatever their reasons -- they show themselves to be human, and sometimes humans do hurtful things. Forgiveness allows us to put the opinions of others in perspective and go on with our goals -- whatever they may be -- for ourselves. We needn't make a show of our forgiveness. Indeed, we don't even have to let the other person know that we forgive them; they may not be ready for it. But forgiveness has the amazing power to let us take back control of our goals. By not judging others, we lessen the effect of their judgment of us. I'm sorry if this sounds preachy -- but it really works. Remember, we're not losing all this weight for anyone else, but for ourselves. Be well -- Skip I agree. Good point and it does work! :: Perhaps it is the time of year, but the holidays can be the downfall :: of the best of programs, and (not coincidentally) there have been [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] :: ourselves. Be well -- :: Skip Depends if Lisa liked it or not. <g> > Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! > [quoted text clipped - 46 lines] > lbs: 252.8/241.8/154.3 > LC since 16th October 2003 Some people just get envious.. tell him my favorite phrase.. *BITE ME*.. and ignore it. You've lost weight.. 250 pounds to start out isn't nearly as big as some people here were.. keyword WERE.. you will get there.. (I have 3 tshirts that say BITE ME for various reasons.. lol.. hub thinks it's just a collection... silly man) Teeb > Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! > [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] > PS In retrospect I actually think the comment was kinda amusing - cleverly > put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good way to deal with it. > Some people just get envious.. tell him my favorite phrase.. *BITE ME*.. and > ignore it. You've lost weight.. 250 pounds to start out isn't nearly as big [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > Teeb LOL! Thanks Teeb, I think a T-Shirt like that would make a great Christmas gift to myself! > > Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! > > [quoted text clipped - 47 lines] > > put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good way to deal with > it. What the hell was your friend thinking???Don't know what he hope to accomplish. Don't freak out about what others think. What other people think about me is none of my business. > What the hell was your friend thinking???Don't know what he hope to > accomplish. I dont know either clinton. He usually only says the most positive and encouraging things. Maybe he just wanted to get this other person into trouble, although its not like I will ever see the other guy, let alone tell him off about the comment he made. > Don't freak out about what others think. What other people think about > me is none of my business. That is a really interesting way of thinking about it Clinton! Im not freaked out - this guy is way off on the fringes of my life and I dont think his opinions are particularly important, Im just surprised at my knee-jerk emotional reaction to the comment. > "clinton ." wrote > > What the hell was your friend thinking???Don't know what he [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > Im not freaked out - <snip> Im just surprised at my knee-jerk > emotional reaction to the comment. Strangers can say the rudest things in my hearing, and while they annoy me, they don't wound me. The same remarks from a family member or friend would be devastating because I have let down my guard in their presence. I think your emotional reaction was based on you feeling safe enough with him to share your excitement about the success you are experiencing, and in that safe environment your friend zinging you with a remark that only a doorknob would think wouldn't hurt you. If he responds to your query about the remark with a version of "can't you take a joke?" then I think it might be time to reconsider his status as your "best" friend. That was a mean-spirited thing to share. Glad to see that it hasn't changed your plans. April. Put out the cat. Signature"Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things. Well known fact." Esmerelda Weatherwax (Pratchett 1988) Caity, you have got to develop a thicker skin. If you wear your feelings on the surface like that all the time, you are going to get hurt over every little thing. Create a shield around your feelings. Feel sorry for the idiots who try to attack you. You can refuse to 'be hurt' if you determine you won't let anyone bother you in that way. Put it in a humorous way: the poor guy is funny in his clumsy attempts to wound you in that way. It simply won't work because you won't let it work. Get tough! Pat in TX > Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! <snipped> >I really don't care what this person thinks of me, and Im not losing > weight for him, or for anyone else. Im losing weight for me - and that's the > only motivation that will work. Bingo! We have a Winner. IMHO The only reason to lose weight is for yourself, not to please anyone but you. Don't sweat the stupid people, the world is full of them. Keep up the good work. Jack Cassidy 400/270/220ish?? LC since 3/01/02 >> My reaction to this comment really took me by surprise. My initial thoughts > were "Why do I even bother losing weight? Why should I have to lose weight > at all? Because this person thinks Im fat? I don't need his approval. How > dare he! I should just stay fat." Hi Caity, As you already know - not losing weight will only hurt you. Your theory of doing it for revenge ain't all bad. Anything that keeps you motivated is a "good" thing. You have defended your friend quite vigourously and so I believe that it was just a silly comment that we all make once in a while and then regret. Cut him some slack. I know I've needed some in the past. But no matter what - don't let this one comment derail your plans. You're on the right track but there's gonna be lots of ups and downs. It's the same old story you hear all the time - I didn't put the weight on in 3 months, why do I think I can take it off in 3 months? This WOE is a long process and you must get more adept at shrugging off the negative and concentrating on the positive. You're doing great - keep it up!!! Brenda W 205/147/140 March 23, 2003 You brought up a conversation about your fat loss. It is very difficult, in such a conversation, to avoid bringing up the fact that you are, well, um, fat. So do not be surprised that your friend mentioned it -- you started or at least maintained the conversation. If you want to keep friends, try avoiding reacting to their comment this way. As for giving up fat loss because of one comment, well, it does not bode well for your fat loss journey as you doubtless will encounter bigger bumps on the road than that. So, I urge you to reconsider the reasons for your fat loss. The right reason should mainly be to benefit yourself in various ways, not to impress others as the primary goal. i 223/175/180 > My best friend .......decided to tell me about a recent comment made by a > friend of his who hadn't seen me in a long time. What kind of "best friend" is this. Did he think you'd find this comment amusing? Sheesh...my friends are supporters. They don't look to shake my confidence, nor would they repeat anything heard elsewhere that could so easily be interpreted as a hurtful comment to you. With friends like that... Lee >> My best friend .......decided to tell me about a recent comment made by a >> friend of his who hadn't seen me in a long time. [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > that could so easily be interpreted as a hurtful comment to you. With > friends like that... She started talking about her weight loss and her weight. How is making a followup comment of a fairly mild nature such a betrayal of friendship? i 223/175/180 > PS In retrospect I actually think the comment was kinda amusing - > cleverly put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good way > to deal with it. Good for you! Psst.. I thought it was funny myself. We all say things in private that we would not dream of saying to someone. It doesn't mean we don't care about them; quite the opposite with some of us. Think of Robin Williams talking about a friend - it ain't going to be mushy. You're friend had no business repeating such a comment. Barb Hey CaityH, don't let the bastards grind ya' down. They don't know s*it. You keep on!! >Hi everyone! This is a bit long - sorry! > [quoted text clipped - 40 lines] >PS In retrospect I actually think the comment was kinda amusing - cleverly >put. Is that weird? Perhaps finding it funny is a good way to deal with it. |
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