One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain
5 lbs.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's
maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30
can fit into their stuff.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.

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