Hi Susan,

Ahhh, now I understand a little bit better! I thought money really was
the issue and not the time spent. I hope someone has some sage advice
for you, luckily my SO is so on board it's scary, lol!

Good luck and I hope you get a chance to do this, it really sounds
like a very cool opportunity.

Ally
212/181/160

instead of addressing the excuses, why not address the core issue?  it's
not going to get better if you don't deal with it.

Hark! I heard "susanjoneslewis" <susanjoneslewis@sbcglobal.net> say:

Ahhh, I see.

Seems like an insecurity issue on his part. Has someone cheated on or
dumped him in the past? He might not realize why this bothers him, and
you probably should deal with it before you get married.

Luckily, DH met me at my thinnest (and has loved me all along), so
he's enjoying watching me shrink.

Calmly and honestly? Not knowing either of you, that's about the best
I can do, sorry...

Does he do any "fitness stuff" himself?  Aside fromthe weight loss
aspect, does he see importance in keeping fit?  If there's some
activity involving exercise you could encourage him and the kids to do
with you, so as to get him on board about this, then perhaps he'd see
the importance to you of trying out this new facility?

janice

Here is the core issue.

Sounds like FDH is not necessarily "jealous" more than he is insecure about
the relationship.

He fell in love with fat and lazy, and maybe he is also fat and lazy himself
and you fell in love with at.   You've changed and are no longer lazy,
you've become active, you've got new likes and activities that do not
include him.   And there is probably an underlaying fear of his that if you
continue to lose weight and get fit, you will no longer love him for who he
is, and you'll go out to look for someone who is also fit and active and can
enjoy this new lifestyle you are after.

He probably doesn't even realize that this is an issue, which is why things
manifest into the backhanded comments and the arguments over the lesser
issues (money, kids, etc).

You are spending your free time exercising, which means less time for you to
spend paying attention to him and the kids.  Less attention leads to more
fear on his behalf, as it just perpetuates the fact that you don't want to
spend time with your fat and lazy FDH.

Yes, to you, this is all UNTRUE.   You still love him for who he is and you
don't want him to change unless he wants to.   You are still loving and
accepting of him as he is.   But, that doesn't mean that he sees how you
feel because you are very self focused on your weight loss right now.

So, what you need to work on is the core issue of the fear in the
relationship over your change in behavior.  Once you get past that you will
see that he will probably accept the time spent at the gym and the comments
and arguments can stop.    But it may take a good argument to bring all this
out in the open and on the table, so that you can deal with it.

Communication is key here.   Any good, strong relationship needs good open
communcation to discuss these issues.

Oh, and something you can throw in ...   My DH actually loves it when he
catches some guy checking me out, or if we are at a bar and DH goes off to
the bathroom and witnesses some guy hitting on me.   Its the ol' "trophy
wife" thing.  :)   For him to have a wife that other guys admire.   But
feelign that way also takes a bit of good self esteem on his part, as he
knows that even if a guy hits on me, its my DH that is going home to have
sex with me that night, not the guy hitting onme.  :)